I'm really truly ok...

Do you ever want to say that and have someone finally realize that you're bluffing. Maybe I'm not really fine all the time. Maybe I want a shoulder to cry on and someone to hold me too! Didn't you ever think that maybe I do that for you so that you'll do that for me someday?? But where were you when I needed you? You just believe I'm fine. Like it's too much hassle to dig any deeper. How am I supposed to get through this if I have no one to help me. I'm only one person! I can't do everything myself and I need love too!

For those of you who were wondering, that first post was about him...
And of the ones after it were too. Because so far, I am incapable of escaping him in my life, and so, he is in every part of my life.

I hate love.

I trust the red sun setting,
the leafless November trees.
On Monday morning I look forward
fearlessly to Friday's eve.

But Humans are not as reliable
As nature, as trees.
I wonder if you'll come back;
I trust only that you'll leave.

What if I looked like this?

Could I pull it off?

Secrets and gossip

So I just got back from the drive-in with some old friends I haven't seen in forever, and I realized how different my life is now. My life now doesn't have much gossip or double crossings or secrets, but tonight at the drive in there was so much of it I was drowning in it. But, at the same time, I miss it because that is true, raw emotion and what I have seems so fake. Why isn't there ever a happy medium in my life? I'm always at an extreme...I don't know what to do.I guess that's what life is though; figuring out how to get to the happy medium, or learning to enjoy the extremes.

I definitely miss the old days

Who Am I?

I am what I believe and I believe in peace.

My friend Jacob

So I have 1 person who I know is reading this and that's my friend Jacob. :) I guess he's my #1 fan haha. But I wanted to give him a shout-out because he's amazing! And someday we're going to get married! haha jk. Sorry Jacob, but I like giving you a hard time. :) anyways, I love you crazy much
Hahaha :) (Don't run away)

Today is a Kid's day

For those of you who don't know me, that means that today is a day where I wake up in the morning and watch cartoons and eat cereal in my PJs. It's definitely one of the most satisfying parts of my life.
You see, I have a peter pan complex. "I won't grow up! I don't want to go to school! Just to learn to be a parrot, and recite a silly rule." :) Peter Pan is my hero for sure :)
Haha I'm not sure about this, but I think he would make a pretty cool best friend :) Then again, my best friend is a pretty cool red-head boy, so I guess I'm pretty close ;)
Anyways, I encourage everyone to have a ki's day every once in a while :) it's so much fun :) and it let's you stay in touch with your kid sideBesides, what's so cool about being a teenager anyway? :)

My big brother

My big brother is, without a doubt, the biggest influence in my life. After God, of course! But my big brother is such a good influence on me. Though we don't always get along, I wouldn't trade him for the world. :)

My big brother is a pretty great guy. He's a gentleman, he's funny and he's an all around good person. There are times when he can be egotistical and argumentative and stubborn. But I definitely am the same way. I spend so much time with my big brother that I've kind of become like him in most aspects of my life. I didn't do it on purpose though. I swear!

My big brother is crazy smart. My greatest achievement is scoring higher than him on the English PSAT! :) haha I will never ever let him live it down!!!!! ^-^ haha But I guess that's just the way we are :)

This is Me

But sometimes I wish I was someone else...

I'm not fun

I was just browsing through other peoples blogs and they do this fun day to day thing...like a journal and here I am writing out a whole bunch of stuff in one day...wow. I feel so boring right now. People probably read this and think I have no life at all. Actually, I doubt anyone will actually read this stuff...so I guess it's more like: "the whole zero people who read this will think I have no life at all". I'm not sure if that's better or worse. I mean, at least if people read this, I would have purpose for spilling my guts...

Confused?

I spend a good majority of my time in a cloud of confusion, but I think the confusion I've been feeling lately takes the cake. Have you ever been really good friends with someone and then, out of the blue, have feelings for them? Neither have I, until now. So, I know from the sounds of my first post it seems like I'm still stuck on my ex-boyfriend, but I'm not. Not really, anyway. As much as I love him and always will, I would never date him again. I don't think I could handle breaking up with him again. But since that breakup I definitely haven't been planning on having anything romantic anytime soon. All of a sudden, though, this guy appears and I thought he'd make a really cool friend. I was right; he's a really great guy. Nice, funny, the whole sha-bang. We've gotten really close in the past month or so, but all of a sudden I have a crush on him. That isn't good! I don't think I can handle being this vulnerable about someone again...I'll just get hurt again. So, we'll stay friends...I hope I can make myself agree to that.

TMI anyone??

So, I'm not really sure how to do this stuff...do I just...go? Haha it feels so egotistical to talk about myself so much. Let's see, I'm just gonna tell you what you need to know about me. Well, I guess, more like what I think you need to know about me. I mean, how could I know what you need to know about me? And who am I to say that you need to know anything about me at all? idk...

Ok, so for those of you who still want to know about me, here goes nothing!

I am a veeeerrry liberal christian girl. I'm pro-choice on pretty much everything. I think people should be allowed to make their own decisions. It's not our place as human beings to tell people what they should and shouldn't do. All we can do is argue our case and hope they make the same decision we want them to.

Um...my favorite color is red. Everyone thinks that's a very dull thing to talk about, but I think you can tell a lot about people by what their favorite color is. I play the viola, violin and some piano. I loooove to sing and act. I would like to think that someday I'll be a famous actor on Broadway, but I'll probably just be a lawyer like my parents want me to.

Well, that's all I can think of right now...ask me questions I guess

The beginning

I guess my story starts off with a boy, as all juicy stories about teenage girls do. I had a story before this boy, but this boy made everything much more interesting. In 8th grade I was dating a boy whose name I won't mention. He was an amazing boy though. Horrible boyfriend...I'm pretty sure he doesnt have a romantic bone in his body. He isn't really what most girls would find attractive, but he has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. Suffice to say, I fell. I fell so deep that I'm still trying to get out of this hole. For that's what it was, you see. A hole. A trap for me to fall into when I was so caught up in his eyes that I forgot to look where I was walking. I stayed in that trance for three years. He used those eyes and Jedi mind tricks, so I would have no idea that I was secretly in a deep hole of self loathing. I never ate, I rarely slept. All I could think about was him. What was he doing? Was he thinking of me too? Was he wondering what I was doing? Thinking of my obsession still makes me sick. However, if you had asked me then if I was in love with him, I would've firmly replied no. Well, I would've yelled it from the depths of my hole, that is.

When we broke up freshman year, I realized that I did love him. I loved him more than I ever thought possible, and it hurt. It still hurts to this day and it's been about 2 years since then. Hearing his name, even if the speaker isn't talking about him, makes my heart wrench with sorrow and my eyes well with tears. I know, I sound like this lovesick, sorry excuse for a human being, but this is my blog. And in my blog, I can whine and be self centered as much as I want. So, I guess that's a big chunk of my life that's all over the internet now...Enjoy it :)