I found my friend

In case anyone was at all worried that my friend wasn't talking to me anymore...He's talking to me again now. It was all a misunderstanding and such :) you can all calm down.

Empty

The only thing lonelier than an empty house
is an empty heart.

Tell me something deep

I feel like I don't get anyone's whole lives anymore. I feel like all I get is the watered down version of the people I know. Where is the substance that I'm craving? I want a connection. A real life connection. Why do people always run away? Don't run away. Come closer. Don't let fear take over. Let me know you. and you can know me. Maybe together we can do something great :)

When It's Dark Outside

Do you ever look out the window into the darkness and wonder if anyone is out there looking at you? You can't see out the window when it's really dark outside...so how can you know if there is someone out there? Creepy isn't it? I'm sitting here with my curtains open...freaking out. But I'm too scared to leave my chair and go close the curtains...you never know what a psycho killer will do, you know? Go ahead. Laugh. Say I'm loopy. But, I'm going to be the one to survive...and you be the one who was warned and still went to shut the curtains.

Newport Living, by Cute is What we Aim For.

Everyone's a let down
It just depends on how far down they can go
In every circle of friends there's a whore
The one who flirts
And does a little more
But who's to say?
This is a social scene anyway
And everybody wants to explore the new girl
Caught up in her own hard liquor world
But liquor doesn't exist in my world
But liquor doesn't exist in my world

And if you lie you don't deserve to have friends
If you lie you don't deserve to have them
If you lie you don't deserve to have friends
If you lie

You are a sell out
But you couldn't even do that right
So your price tag has been slashed
And now you're chillin' on a half priced clearance rack
You are a sell out
But you couldn't even do that right
So your price tag has been slashed
And now you're chillin' on a half priced clearance rack

The social scene where she gets her fix
Has been broken since '86
Now just look at that social clique
Do you really wanna be a part of it?
Let's not let us forget
Where she gets the habit
She gets the pills from her skills
She gets the skills from the pills
And just look at that clique
Do you really wanna be the star of it?

You are a sell out
But you couldn't even do that right
So your price tag has been slashed
And now you're chillin' on a half priced clearance rack
You are a sell out
But you couldn't even do that right
So your price tag has been slashed
And now you're chillin' on a half priced clearance rack

If you lie you don't deserve to have friends
If you lie you don't deserve to have them
If you lie you don't deserve to have friends
If you lie

Everybody is a let down
It just depends on how far down they can go

You are a sell out
But you couldn't even do that right
So your price tag has been slashed
And now you're chillin' on a half priced clearance rack
You are a sell out
But you couldn't even do that right
So your price tag has been slashed
And now you're chillin' on a half priced clearance rack

I think I ruined it

So I had this really great friend...and he said I was gorgeous. Me...gorgeous? haha Who would've thought? Not me for sure...but he hasn't talked to me since then...did I get too excited when he said it? Did I scare him away? I sure hope not...he's really important to me...but maybe I did...I'm hoping he'll read this and know that I miss his friendship...but he probably won't.

But here goes nothing: Jacob...I miss you...talk to me again, please. :)

I wish you'd disappear

I dreamed about you last night...we were in a play together again. I think it was Sleepy Hollow again...We were talking again...like we used to. Do you remember? You probably don't. Do you talk to her like you used to talk to me? I wonder...
Anyway, in my dream, you told me that you don't think I'm beautiful anymore. You said I've lost my spark that I used to have. Well, what do you think happened to it, huh? Don't you think that maybe you had something to do with it?? I don't know...maybe I'm overreacting. That's generally what I do when it comes to you anyway...but I think you had a hand in making me the bitter cynic that I am today. So why do I still love you? I have no idea. You weren't anything spectacular. But what we had was spectacular...you never forget your first love, so I'm told

Why am I doing this?

I bet some of you are wondering that. "Why is she complaining so much like we actually care?"

truth? It's more for my benefit than for yours. I never really complain. I just do what people tell me to and bury it all deep inside. I used to think that was natural...but I don't think it is. I think it's turning me into someone I don't want to be. And it's worse than that cuz it's starting in my heart and working its way out. I guess I just want to be clean. I know God sees me as clean now that I have accepted, but I want to be able to see myself as clean too.

This is like my metaphorical shower. Like one of those showers they give you in quarantine. After this I'm just going to be a raw, pink pile of flesh. There won't be any more bacteria or anything left on me. And then maybe I can start figuring out who I really am.

psychoanalytic personality test :)

1) You are walking in the woods. Who are you walking with? Conner, Jacob, Allison, Geoff, My grama
2) You continue walking and you meet an animal. What animal is it? Tiger
3) Is there any interaction between you and the animal? I go up and hug it
4) Keep walking. You reach a clearing in the woods. You see a house. Your dream house. Describe its size? It's a mansion but still cozy looking
5) Is there a fence around it? No never
6) You walk into the house. Go through the corridor to the dining room. Describe your dining room? It's wood floored with a big empty table. there are candles and silverware but no one sitting around it. it's a lonely sight
7) Walk across the dining room and exit your house via the back door. You see a cup on the floor in the backyard. What is the cup made up off? it's made of clay. still greenware and soft
8) What do you do with the cup? I pick it up and carry it with me.
9) You walk on further and see a body of water behind the backyard of your house. What body of water is this? it's a peaceful stream. like in Bambi :)
10) You want to get across this body of water. How do you do so? I slightly jump over it gently. it's not a big stream. it's peaceful
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What do your answers say about your personality? These are general answers. If you wish more more specific interpretations, feel free to ask (:
1) The person/people you are walking with are the most important to you currently right now in your life. I'd say they're all important to me :)
2) The size of the animal represents the challenges you are currently facing. my challenges can be considered big I suppose
3) How you interact with the animal represents how you deal with problems. Eg. If you chase the animal away, it means you tend to face your challenges head-on and eliminate them. So I embrace challenges?
4) The size of the house represents your general ambition. I have huge ambitions for sure
5) If there is no fence, it generally means you are a more open person. haha I am capable of openness for sure
6) If there is no food, people or roses in your dining room, you are most likely an unhappy person now. I guess I can be unhappy...
7) The cup represents the people mentioned in Qn 1 and the durability of the cup represents how strong your relationship with them is/will be. Eg. if it is made of say metal (if you imagined/ever saw a metal cup. heh), its real strong. clay is maleable...I like to think my friendships are strong :/
8) What you do with the cup represents what you do with this relationship. Eg. If you pick up the cup and place it carefully by the side, you treasure this relationship and would go all out to preserve it. Well I do treasure relationships :)
9) haha. the size of the body of water represents your sexual libido. Small libido? that's a new one for me...haha
10) how wet you become in the process of crossing the body of water again represents about the same thing as number 9. I jumped over it...weird. well im not in a place for that right now...so sure.

Lonely

So, lately I've been feeling really alone. Even in a room full of people, I still feel as though I'm not really there. I started this blog to get out all of my feelings, but it seems like the more I write and the deeper I dig, the more I understand that there's a lot of stuff that I've suppressed without even knowing that I felt this way.
A few weeks ago I was on a retreat and I was talking to this woman I trust deeply about my general feelings of loneliness. And she said to me "We will always feel alone because no one can ever truly know or complete us because they don't know our hearts and minds. Only God can ever do that."
That made me feel so...sad. Because I pray and read the bible...but I never feel like God is speaking to me...so maybe I'll just never be complete. I'm so scared that I'll never find a place where I'm whole.