I got in a car crash yesterday

I'm still scared.

A Dinosaur in Space

I just saw a picture of a dinosaur in an astronaut suit. Do you think that's really what happened to the dinosaurs?? Maybe they aren't really extinct. Maybe they are just hiding out on mars! haha and that's why so many space expeditions aren't successful. They run into a T-Rex and get eaten. Just some food for thought. Anyone else a bit skeptical?

Me? Cute?

David: you're cute! Admit it!
Me: oh please. I'm far from cute.
David: no you aren't! You're cute! Accept it!
Me: You're just blind. that's why you wear glasses!
Random Stranger: Hey cutie! ;) Lookin' good
Me: ....................this proves nothing!

The guy.

So have you ever liked someone so much that you actually get butterflies? I mean honest to god silly stomach butterflies?? Haha this guy might actually be worth my time ladies and gentlemen :) He is thinking about asking me out after spring break. I'm scared though...I like him a lot...I haven't liked anyone this fast and this intensely since you know who...and we all know how that ended...but people tell me he's different...dating him would break all of the rules I made for myself...I said no trumpets, no military/military hopefuls, no football players. What did I do? I like him anyways...I make no sense. But maybe it'll work this time...I'll keep you guys posted :)

I might have a boyfriend as of next week

I'm not alone

I just need to keep reminding myself that. "I'm not alone, I'm not alone, I'm not alone!" like a mantra. I just have to keep repeating it. I really need someone to talk to about these emotions...It's hard for me to open up in person. Like I glued the fake smile on. Somehow, in person, nothing seems worth complaining about...I don't want people to rationalize what's wrong for me...I want them to be aggravated and upset too. I just want them to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok.

I'm cheating on this blog

I have a whole other blog where I have my real secrets...I thought just typing/posting them would be enough...but it isn't really freeing unless someone reads them...you don't have to read it...its long, but it's here if you want to. http://readyfortandomrantings.blogspot.com/

This made me smile

Suicide Prevention?

So today in class, we were talking about the signs of a person who is thinking about suicide. I realized that I count for a lot of those. Why isn't anyone concerned?

This is what I needed to hear

Are you feeling alone
Like you're so out of place
I've been there before
Stumbling every time you try
Sometime it's easier to hide

You wear your heart on your sleeve
And so do I
Just enough to believe
That we can make a change if we try
The fear becomes like dust in the light

Let go, it's your chance
To live out loud

Take this time to shine, don't waste a minute
'Cause the love you've got inside is a gift you give away
So come on, come on and radiate
Don't be shy you know you gotta live it
'Cause the light you've got inside can be the difference today
So come on, come on and radiate
I see a spark in your eyes

It's obvious
That hope is alive
You were meant for more in this life
You're glowing like the sun in the sky

Here you go, it's your chance
To live out loud

CHORUS
Don't be afraid don't be ashamed
To let it show, let 'em know, yea let it out
Love like there is no other way
No better time than now

Let go, it's your chance
To live out loud

CHORUS

I need to feel needed

maybe its the woman in me that I try to avoid at all costs, but I just need to care for someone...I need someone to care enough about me that it matters whether or not I care about them. I don't know how to express it. I can feel it there under the surface. It's like what I'd imagine it feels like to be a bomb that's about to explode. I will explode eventually and I hope that I don't survive to see the mess that I leave behind.

Blogging

I have been feeling incredibly apathetic about blogging lately. But I figure I must continue on or I shall never reach the end of my path of self discovery. I don't know how I've been feeling lately...lonely mostly...Kind of like an out of body thing. Like I'm looking in at myself from other peoples' eyes and trying to figure out what it is they see in me. My self confidence has been hit like the ice berg that the titanic hit. Does anyone ever wonder what happened to the iceberg? no. they don't. They don't care if the iceberg survived or not. They dont care or even think about it. I am that iceberg. and I am also the Titanic. I'm hitting my self, and after I do that, I'm sinking myself and watching myself sink. breaking and watching myself break. I am an enigma even to myself, and, you know what? I don't even care anymore.

You make me cry

So I like this guy (yes I know, there are a lot of posts like this.) And this guy and I had a mini-fling over the summer. One of those no strings attached things that happen more often than I'd like to admit. Anyway, we broke it off around November...but it turned out that there were strings on my end. Let me back up.
I've always dated trumpet players, and they've always broken my heart. This guy was no different. When we were together I legitimately believed that I could get through the relationship stringless and unscathed. But somewhere along the line, I started to like him a lot more than I had planned. He always told me that he was just another trumpet player and he would break my heart. Turns out he was right.
Last week, I told him that I liked him and that I knew he had a girlfriend and I wasn't trying to break them up, I was just throwing it out there. He then unfriended me on facebook, refuses to reply to my texts and doesn't talk to me on myspace or formspring anymore.

I'm broken again.

Running away

run baby run
don't ever look back
they'll tear us apart
if you give them the chance
don't sell your heart
don't say we're not meant to be
run baby run
forever will be
you and me

Forget that last post

I can't just disappear. I'm in this now...I have to finish this journey. I'm on a journey to find myself...and I have no idea who that is. I'm running blindly through a forest of doubt hoping that if I run long enough that I'll find myself on the other side. I don't know where to begin and I don't know how big the forest is...but I do know that if I look under every rock and wade in every stream then the clues will finally add up. This is a journey of self expression, but it's more than that. It's a journey of self recognition, self preservation, and self identification. I'm here to find me. I can take this journey with or without you. My friend Laura helped me realize that I can't just let go :) I need to keep running.

Besides...Running is kind of my thing.
I just hope that in the end...it's all worth it.

I need to man up

So I've been on here just letting all my emotion fly and I've been thinking: who am I to totally unload this stuff on everyone. It's ridiculous. No one asked for all of this information. I'm going back in my shell now. No worries.

On my formspring account, someone anonymously asked me if I ever worried that I wouldn't find the love of my life. I told them the true answer: "I'm more afraid that my true love doesn't really exist." How could one person guess my one feeling of the moment. What if it isn't a fairytale or a love story? What if life isn't a Taylor Swift song? What if the end I wind up completely alone like I always worried I would?I don't know if I could handle it...And I don't know what I'd do. I just have to put my faith in God I guess.

Wonderland?

So I think that Wonderland is really a land full of wonders at all. I think that Wonderland is actually a land of "what if's". I think that my wonderland is full of questions about you. scratch that. I don't think it. I know it.

Lately, I've been having dreams about you more and more often. When I wake up, I picture your face in perfect detail. I haven't been able to do that in years. But I still wonder if you secretly miss me. I secretly miss you. I turn around at least once everyday in that class we have together and sneak a peak at you.

I wonder what went wrong. I wonder if we could have gotten through it if I had just held on for a little bit longer. But I guess we'll never know.

I want my time machine now, please.

Yearning for Learning

So one of the things I've learned in my life is: no matter how nice you are to people, it doesn't necessarily mean they'll be nice back. I used to live my life believing that if I was nice to people then everything would work out in the end. I was so wrong. I see it now more than ever. I've been taken advantage of so many times. At the time I brushed it off. I thought, oh they weren't taking advantage of me on purpose. I'm overreacting. But I was wrong. I was lying to myself because I didn't want to think of the possibility that they were only pretending to be my friends. Now I realize that they really were using me. They were pretending to be my friends when I was around, but when I left they would make fun of me.

It's made me cynical. I don't really trust people when they tell me things anymore. I don't let people see the whole me because I'm afraid of what they'll do with it. Now I put my faith in God alone and hide myself away from the tangible people around me. For better or for worse, I'm too afraid to tell you the real reason that I cry every night. I just don't believe that you'll take that well. You'll take it and then step on it hard...and leave me in a place where I'm worse off instead of feeling a weight lifted. But who needs friends anyway?

Hidden

So I've had feelings for you for a long time. If I count, it's been 6 years. I've kept you hidden away this whole time. No one knew about how fabulous you are...I liked it. I had you all to myself and I loved it. I didn't mind that I was the only one who knew how special you are because that meant that I didn't have to share you.

Now...everyone knows. Everyone likes you. You aren't mine anymore. Girls are falling all over themselves asking me for your number. They don't know how I feel, and I'm afraid to tell them. I just wanted you to be mine forever. But you were much too special to stay in hiding for long.

I found my friend

In case anyone was at all worried that my friend wasn't talking to me anymore...He's talking to me again now. It was all a misunderstanding and such :) you can all calm down.

Empty

The only thing lonelier than an empty house
is an empty heart.

Tell me something deep

I feel like I don't get anyone's whole lives anymore. I feel like all I get is the watered down version of the people I know. Where is the substance that I'm craving? I want a connection. A real life connection. Why do people always run away? Don't run away. Come closer. Don't let fear take over. Let me know you. and you can know me. Maybe together we can do something great :)

When It's Dark Outside

Do you ever look out the window into the darkness and wonder if anyone is out there looking at you? You can't see out the window when it's really dark outside...so how can you know if there is someone out there? Creepy isn't it? I'm sitting here with my curtains open...freaking out. But I'm too scared to leave my chair and go close the curtains...you never know what a psycho killer will do, you know? Go ahead. Laugh. Say I'm loopy. But, I'm going to be the one to survive...and you be the one who was warned and still went to shut the curtains.

Newport Living, by Cute is What we Aim For.

Everyone's a let down
It just depends on how far down they can go
In every circle of friends there's a whore
The one who flirts
And does a little more
But who's to say?
This is a social scene anyway
And everybody wants to explore the new girl
Caught up in her own hard liquor world
But liquor doesn't exist in my world
But liquor doesn't exist in my world

And if you lie you don't deserve to have friends
If you lie you don't deserve to have them
If you lie you don't deserve to have friends
If you lie

You are a sell out
But you couldn't even do that right
So your price tag has been slashed
And now you're chillin' on a half priced clearance rack
You are a sell out
But you couldn't even do that right
So your price tag has been slashed
And now you're chillin' on a half priced clearance rack

The social scene where she gets her fix
Has been broken since '86
Now just look at that social clique
Do you really wanna be a part of it?
Let's not let us forget
Where she gets the habit
She gets the pills from her skills
She gets the skills from the pills
And just look at that clique
Do you really wanna be the star of it?

You are a sell out
But you couldn't even do that right
So your price tag has been slashed
And now you're chillin' on a half priced clearance rack
You are a sell out
But you couldn't even do that right
So your price tag has been slashed
And now you're chillin' on a half priced clearance rack

If you lie you don't deserve to have friends
If you lie you don't deserve to have them
If you lie you don't deserve to have friends
If you lie

Everybody is a let down
It just depends on how far down they can go

You are a sell out
But you couldn't even do that right
So your price tag has been slashed
And now you're chillin' on a half priced clearance rack
You are a sell out
But you couldn't even do that right
So your price tag has been slashed
And now you're chillin' on a half priced clearance rack

I think I ruined it

So I had this really great friend...and he said I was gorgeous. Me...gorgeous? haha Who would've thought? Not me for sure...but he hasn't talked to me since then...did I get too excited when he said it? Did I scare him away? I sure hope not...he's really important to me...but maybe I did...I'm hoping he'll read this and know that I miss his friendship...but he probably won't.

But here goes nothing: Jacob...I miss you...talk to me again, please. :)

I wish you'd disappear

I dreamed about you last night...we were in a play together again. I think it was Sleepy Hollow again...We were talking again...like we used to. Do you remember? You probably don't. Do you talk to her like you used to talk to me? I wonder...
Anyway, in my dream, you told me that you don't think I'm beautiful anymore. You said I've lost my spark that I used to have. Well, what do you think happened to it, huh? Don't you think that maybe you had something to do with it?? I don't know...maybe I'm overreacting. That's generally what I do when it comes to you anyway...but I think you had a hand in making me the bitter cynic that I am today. So why do I still love you? I have no idea. You weren't anything spectacular. But what we had was spectacular...you never forget your first love, so I'm told

Why am I doing this?

I bet some of you are wondering that. "Why is she complaining so much like we actually care?"

truth? It's more for my benefit than for yours. I never really complain. I just do what people tell me to and bury it all deep inside. I used to think that was natural...but I don't think it is. I think it's turning me into someone I don't want to be. And it's worse than that cuz it's starting in my heart and working its way out. I guess I just want to be clean. I know God sees me as clean now that I have accepted, but I want to be able to see myself as clean too.

This is like my metaphorical shower. Like one of those showers they give you in quarantine. After this I'm just going to be a raw, pink pile of flesh. There won't be any more bacteria or anything left on me. And then maybe I can start figuring out who I really am.

psychoanalytic personality test :)

1) You are walking in the woods. Who are you walking with? Conner, Jacob, Allison, Geoff, My grama
2) You continue walking and you meet an animal. What animal is it? Tiger
3) Is there any interaction between you and the animal? I go up and hug it
4) Keep walking. You reach a clearing in the woods. You see a house. Your dream house. Describe its size? It's a mansion but still cozy looking
5) Is there a fence around it? No never
6) You walk into the house. Go through the corridor to the dining room. Describe your dining room? It's wood floored with a big empty table. there are candles and silverware but no one sitting around it. it's a lonely sight
7) Walk across the dining room and exit your house via the back door. You see a cup on the floor in the backyard. What is the cup made up off? it's made of clay. still greenware and soft
8) What do you do with the cup? I pick it up and carry it with me.
9) You walk on further and see a body of water behind the backyard of your house. What body of water is this? it's a peaceful stream. like in Bambi :)
10) You want to get across this body of water. How do you do so? I slightly jump over it gently. it's not a big stream. it's peaceful
.
..
...
....
....
What do your answers say about your personality? These are general answers. If you wish more more specific interpretations, feel free to ask (:
1) The person/people you are walking with are the most important to you currently right now in your life. I'd say they're all important to me :)
2) The size of the animal represents the challenges you are currently facing. my challenges can be considered big I suppose
3) How you interact with the animal represents how you deal with problems. Eg. If you chase the animal away, it means you tend to face your challenges head-on and eliminate them. So I embrace challenges?
4) The size of the house represents your general ambition. I have huge ambitions for sure
5) If there is no fence, it generally means you are a more open person. haha I am capable of openness for sure
6) If there is no food, people or roses in your dining room, you are most likely an unhappy person now. I guess I can be unhappy...
7) The cup represents the people mentioned in Qn 1 and the durability of the cup represents how strong your relationship with them is/will be. Eg. if it is made of say metal (if you imagined/ever saw a metal cup. heh), its real strong. clay is maleable...I like to think my friendships are strong :/
8) What you do with the cup represents what you do with this relationship. Eg. If you pick up the cup and place it carefully by the side, you treasure this relationship and would go all out to preserve it. Well I do treasure relationships :)
9) haha. the size of the body of water represents your sexual libido. Small libido? that's a new one for me...haha
10) how wet you become in the process of crossing the body of water again represents about the same thing as number 9. I jumped over it...weird. well im not in a place for that right now...so sure.

Lonely

So, lately I've been feeling really alone. Even in a room full of people, I still feel as though I'm not really there. I started this blog to get out all of my feelings, but it seems like the more I write and the deeper I dig, the more I understand that there's a lot of stuff that I've suppressed without even knowing that I felt this way.
A few weeks ago I was on a retreat and I was talking to this woman I trust deeply about my general feelings of loneliness. And she said to me "We will always feel alone because no one can ever truly know or complete us because they don't know our hearts and minds. Only God can ever do that."
That made me feel so...sad. Because I pray and read the bible...but I never feel like God is speaking to me...so maybe I'll just never be complete. I'm so scared that I'll never find a place where I'm whole.

I'm really truly ok...

Do you ever want to say that and have someone finally realize that you're bluffing. Maybe I'm not really fine all the time. Maybe I want a shoulder to cry on and someone to hold me too! Didn't you ever think that maybe I do that for you so that you'll do that for me someday?? But where were you when I needed you? You just believe I'm fine. Like it's too much hassle to dig any deeper. How am I supposed to get through this if I have no one to help me. I'm only one person! I can't do everything myself and I need love too!

For those of you who were wondering, that first post was about him...
And of the ones after it were too. Because so far, I am incapable of escaping him in my life, and so, he is in every part of my life.

I hate love.

I trust the red sun setting,
the leafless November trees.
On Monday morning I look forward
fearlessly to Friday's eve.

But Humans are not as reliable
As nature, as trees.
I wonder if you'll come back;
I trust only that you'll leave.

What if I looked like this?

Could I pull it off?

Secrets and gossip

So I just got back from the drive-in with some old friends I haven't seen in forever, and I realized how different my life is now. My life now doesn't have much gossip or double crossings or secrets, but tonight at the drive in there was so much of it I was drowning in it. But, at the same time, I miss it because that is true, raw emotion and what I have seems so fake. Why isn't there ever a happy medium in my life? I'm always at an extreme...I don't know what to do.I guess that's what life is though; figuring out how to get to the happy medium, or learning to enjoy the extremes.

I definitely miss the old days

Who Am I?

I am what I believe and I believe in peace.

My friend Jacob

So I have 1 person who I know is reading this and that's my friend Jacob. :) I guess he's my #1 fan haha. But I wanted to give him a shout-out because he's amazing! And someday we're going to get married! haha jk. Sorry Jacob, but I like giving you a hard time. :) anyways, I love you crazy much
Hahaha :) (Don't run away)

Today is a Kid's day

For those of you who don't know me, that means that today is a day where I wake up in the morning and watch cartoons and eat cereal in my PJs. It's definitely one of the most satisfying parts of my life.
You see, I have a peter pan complex. "I won't grow up! I don't want to go to school! Just to learn to be a parrot, and recite a silly rule." :) Peter Pan is my hero for sure :)
Haha I'm not sure about this, but I think he would make a pretty cool best friend :) Then again, my best friend is a pretty cool red-head boy, so I guess I'm pretty close ;)
Anyways, I encourage everyone to have a ki's day every once in a while :) it's so much fun :) and it let's you stay in touch with your kid sideBesides, what's so cool about being a teenager anyway? :)

My big brother

My big brother is, without a doubt, the biggest influence in my life. After God, of course! But my big brother is such a good influence on me. Though we don't always get along, I wouldn't trade him for the world. :)

My big brother is a pretty great guy. He's a gentleman, he's funny and he's an all around good person. There are times when he can be egotistical and argumentative and stubborn. But I definitely am the same way. I spend so much time with my big brother that I've kind of become like him in most aspects of my life. I didn't do it on purpose though. I swear!

My big brother is crazy smart. My greatest achievement is scoring higher than him on the English PSAT! :) haha I will never ever let him live it down!!!!! ^-^ haha But I guess that's just the way we are :)

This is Me

But sometimes I wish I was someone else...

I'm not fun

I was just browsing through other peoples blogs and they do this fun day to day thing...like a journal and here I am writing out a whole bunch of stuff in one day...wow. I feel so boring right now. People probably read this and think I have no life at all. Actually, I doubt anyone will actually read this stuff...so I guess it's more like: "the whole zero people who read this will think I have no life at all". I'm not sure if that's better or worse. I mean, at least if people read this, I would have purpose for spilling my guts...

Confused?

I spend a good majority of my time in a cloud of confusion, but I think the confusion I've been feeling lately takes the cake. Have you ever been really good friends with someone and then, out of the blue, have feelings for them? Neither have I, until now. So, I know from the sounds of my first post it seems like I'm still stuck on my ex-boyfriend, but I'm not. Not really, anyway. As much as I love him and always will, I would never date him again. I don't think I could handle breaking up with him again. But since that breakup I definitely haven't been planning on having anything romantic anytime soon. All of a sudden, though, this guy appears and I thought he'd make a really cool friend. I was right; he's a really great guy. Nice, funny, the whole sha-bang. We've gotten really close in the past month or so, but all of a sudden I have a crush on him. That isn't good! I don't think I can handle being this vulnerable about someone again...I'll just get hurt again. So, we'll stay friends...I hope I can make myself agree to that.

TMI anyone??

So, I'm not really sure how to do this stuff...do I just...go? Haha it feels so egotistical to talk about myself so much. Let's see, I'm just gonna tell you what you need to know about me. Well, I guess, more like what I think you need to know about me. I mean, how could I know what you need to know about me? And who am I to say that you need to know anything about me at all? idk...

Ok, so for those of you who still want to know about me, here goes nothing!

I am a veeeerrry liberal christian girl. I'm pro-choice on pretty much everything. I think people should be allowed to make their own decisions. It's not our place as human beings to tell people what they should and shouldn't do. All we can do is argue our case and hope they make the same decision we want them to.

Um...my favorite color is red. Everyone thinks that's a very dull thing to talk about, but I think you can tell a lot about people by what their favorite color is. I play the viola, violin and some piano. I loooove to sing and act. I would like to think that someday I'll be a famous actor on Broadway, but I'll probably just be a lawyer like my parents want me to.

Well, that's all I can think of right now...ask me questions I guess

The beginning

I guess my story starts off with a boy, as all juicy stories about teenage girls do. I had a story before this boy, but this boy made everything much more interesting. In 8th grade I was dating a boy whose name I won't mention. He was an amazing boy though. Horrible boyfriend...I'm pretty sure he doesnt have a romantic bone in his body. He isn't really what most girls would find attractive, but he has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. Suffice to say, I fell. I fell so deep that I'm still trying to get out of this hole. For that's what it was, you see. A hole. A trap for me to fall into when I was so caught up in his eyes that I forgot to look where I was walking. I stayed in that trance for three years. He used those eyes and Jedi mind tricks, so I would have no idea that I was secretly in a deep hole of self loathing. I never ate, I rarely slept. All I could think about was him. What was he doing? Was he thinking of me too? Was he wondering what I was doing? Thinking of my obsession still makes me sick. However, if you had asked me then if I was in love with him, I would've firmly replied no. Well, I would've yelled it from the depths of my hole, that is.

When we broke up freshman year, I realized that I did love him. I loved him more than I ever thought possible, and it hurt. It still hurts to this day and it's been about 2 years since then. Hearing his name, even if the speaker isn't talking about him, makes my heart wrench with sorrow and my eyes well with tears. I know, I sound like this lovesick, sorry excuse for a human being, but this is my blog. And in my blog, I can whine and be self centered as much as I want. So, I guess that's a big chunk of my life that's all over the internet now...Enjoy it :)